Bad day

I love my kids to death. All of them. But some days are so hard, and I feel like I really really was not cut out to be a mother. Today is one of those days. Actually, there have been more days like this than not lately, and I am kind of at my wits end. And I get so lost in all the "coping" that I don't know where I went for sure.....I need a break bad, and there is no way to get one. On top of all that, the father of my youngest is an alcoholic, and he is on a serious bender right now, and taking it all out on me. I get no support from him, money or otherwise, and never have. And our daughter, who was 3 months premature, has serious sleep issues along with a whole slew of other autistic problems. She is a full time, 24 hour a day job, and according to him I am the cause of all of her problems. I want a quiet day. I want a full nights sleep. I want to cook a meal that doesn't cause one, if not 2 of my kids to have a meltdown. I want to remember who I was before I got all tangled up in doctors and diagnoses and everything in my life being about how deal with the next meltdown. I know there are a ton of people that have it worse than I do, so I feel incredible guilt for even feeling this way.....Gah! I hope it gets better at some point, or that I get better at it. Something.